The Eclectic Quill

Website of Joshua McGee

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Vedder Tuesday Ⅴ: Indifference

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I am in a quagmire of depression today, and for the past couple.  A sucking swamp that is not just draining mood -- that could be dealt with more easily -- but the swamp doesn't only suck.  It is also vomiting, projecting feelings of foolishness, betrayal, disgust, and embarrassment at being made a fool of, culminating in self-destructive impulses and a predilection for near-catatonia that my psychiatrist described yesterday as "a stressor-induced relapse".  It is very hard to write right now -- I'm not writing anything else, for instance -- and the ritual of Vedder Tuesday is my crutch to type anything at all today.

In all fairness, to be topically accurate, the lyrics should be for Hail Hail.  But not tonight.  Maybe later, but anger is not what I'm feeling right now.  What I'm feeling is this:

Indifference

I will light a match this morning so I won't be alone
Watch as she lies silent, for soon light will be gone
I will stand arms outstretched, pretend I'm free to roam
I will make my way through one more day in hell

How much difference does it make?
How much difference does it make?

I will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
I'll keep taking punches until their will grows tired
I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
I won't change direction, and I won't change my mind

How much difference does it make?
How much difference does it make?
How much difference....?

I'll swallow poison, until I grow immune
I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room

How much difference...?
How much difference...?
How much difference does it make?
How much difference does it make?

Amen.

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